April Fools 2007

I wrote this for the school newspaper Synapse last year.

Free Oto-ophthalmoscopes for Next Year’s Medical Students

Last week, a benefactor under the promise of anonymity announced a donation of $20,000 for the White Coat Ceremony of the School of Medicine Class of 2011. “I was caller number 94 for one of those radio contests and won a car, but because of severe Paget’s disease, I am unable to drive it. I auctioned it off over the Internet over the past few months and decided to take much of the money I made, less the transaction costs, and donate it to next year’s incoming medical class.”

When asked why the medical class, the donor replied, “I had an osteotomy done here at UCSF which greatly relieved the pain in my knees. However, the charm of the anesthesiologist made my experience particularly memorable. Thus, I hope that this gift will inculcate in future doctors a desire to be kind, respectful, and charming.”

The Committee on the 2007 White Coat Ceremony (C07WCC) is currently discussing how to allocate the $20,000. Proposals that have been struck down by vote include moving the ceremony to the top of the Bank of America building, on board a ship circling the bay, or to the historic operating rooms at San Francisco General Hospital. The meeting minutes for March 16, 2007 indicate, “We really hope to use the money on a lasting investment rather than a spiffy location.”

Currently the C07WCC is considering a proposal of purchasing oto-ophthalmoscopes for each member of the Class of 2011. Oto-ophthalmoscopes run several hundred dollars and are used to examine the eyes and ears. Curriculum leaders for Foundations of Patient Care (FPC) hope that this investment would emphasize the importance of “looking at, listening to, and examining patients.” Recently, the white coat gift has been criticized for symbolizing the separation between patient and physician. Instead, an oto-ophthalmoscope would represent a link between the two.

There have been rumors circulating that this proposal is heavily backed by curriculum leaders for Brain, Mind, and Behavior (BMB). One first-year medical student commented, “Dan Lowenstein would do anything to get word out about BMB as early as possible.”

Critics of this proposal say that incoming students would not even know how to spell oto-ophthalmoscope, let alone know how to use one.

Paget’s disease of the bone, also known as osteitis deformans, is caused by an accelerated rate of bone turnover. Clinically, it can present with pain, skeletal deformities, fractures, bone tumors, or neurologic complications.