The Waiting Game

"O time, thou must untangle this, not I. / It is too hard a knot for me to untie." - William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night.

I should jot a note about the doldrums of waiting. We submitted our rank lists for residency programs two weeks ago. In theory, the computer takes about seven minutes to run the algorithm and has already determined the futures of some 37,000 applicants. In a palpably deterministic fashion, we know that our fate - where we'll be, who we'll work with, what programs we're at, what hospitals we will call home, and indeed whether we will have a job at all - has already been established. However, the National Residency Matching Program waits about three weeks before releasing the results. During this time, they conduct quality control, check the algorithm, and prepare the internet servers for the massive traffic it will get on "Match Day."

This has made a few of my classmates extraordinarily nervous. We are on edge, we whisper where we want to go, we wonder whether to say or not in fear of "jinxing it." For some, it's all we can talk about; for others, it's the one thing we don't want to talk about. Superstition, the worst enemy of the scientist, is abundant. Some people have nightmares.

I think I understand why. Most medical students, as such, enjoy control over our futures. We like deciding things. We like knowing all the cards on the table, having all the information, and making things transparent. The whole Match process terrifies us because our futures have been determined, and we don't know. We feel helpless in the system, and whatever is given to us, we must take. There's no turning back, yet we don't know where we're headed. The unknown is a great fear for the medical student.

I am fortunate in that my personality is such that I don't worry much. So I'm trying to avoid ulcers and high blood pressure. Free will fascinates me, and I've persuaded myself not to wrestle over things out of my control. This whole situation, to tell the truth, seems unnecessarily nerve wracking, and as a result, somewhat comical, which reminded me of Twelfth Night.