May Day

I was surprised to find that the growth curve of internship involves more emotional and personal development than gaining fund of knowledge. I don't think I learned many particular facts during intern year, but I learned a lot about myself, the way I handle stressful situations, the way I interact with patients, the way I perceive death and dying, and the way I have stepped into this new role and responsibility. As a medical student, I never lead a family discussion regarding the end-of-life care of a patient. I had observed many of these interactions and we had lectures on how to approach them, but I always took a passive role. Now, I realize what it means to plan out a conversation in my head, to tuck in other patients to minimize pages, to coordinate an appropriate location for the meeting, to acquire the right affect and demeanor -- all things that occur before even saying a word. I tested out the different approaches - taking control of the discussion versus asking the family what they understand - and now I know why it's recommended to solicit reflection from the family members prior to medicalizing the conversation. I've gained more insight into the depth of being a physician - someone who manages a whole patient - their fears, their hopes, their families, their sense of self. As a medical student, being a physician is about knowing the right drugs, interpreting numbers, producing differential diagnoses. But now, that takes a back seat as I learn to traverse those gray areas of what illness, death, dying, and recovery mean and as I learn to finesse the quiet moments of reflection.